11th March 2011

Post

Dear Peanut Butter Sandwich,

I just want to apologize to you for abandoning you today at lunch time only to pick up some fast food instead.  I also want to say how sorry I am about eating the fast food in the same lunch room where i usually eat you.  That was very insensitive of me.  You were just sitting in the refrigerator probably waiting for me to eat you, but I just left you there, alone, except for the bottle of water, and we all know that a bottle of water is extremely boring company. 

You see Peanut Butter Sandwich the place I take you every day is work, more specifically a thrift store chain that accepts donations which I can’t name outright here on tumblr because they may take offense to our relationship and fire my crazy ass. 

My job is to sort through the donated items to weed out the nasty stuff, and nasty stuff I did find.  You see some people out there are disgusting freaks.  These freaks decided that donating a pair of shorts with shit caked into the ass of them would be a fantastic idea.  It was unfortunate that I happened to come across these shorts not 5 minutes before our lunch date.  It’s even more unfortunate that, and I don’t mean to offend you here, but the shit had the same coloring as you do.

To make matters worse, an old lady that I work with was tempting me with the aforementioned fast food, just like the snake tempted eve with the apple in the garden of eden from that story from the bible, which of course you wouldn’t be familiar with due to the fact that you’re a devout atheist.  And I’m sorry to report that I had about as much willpower to resist her as eve did the snake.  The fast food was good, but it left me feeling empty inside, and just a little ashamed.  In short, it meant nothing to me.

It’s sad because I’m sure you taste fantastic.  You know you’re my favorite type of sandwich after all, please don’t tell the sliced turkey, you know how jealous he gets.  I promise to make it up to you if you’ll forgive me.  How about you tag along with Chicken Soup & I tomorrow at lunch.  Please do me this favor Peanut Butter sandwich, the Chicken Soup is a little weird and I don’t like to be alone with him.

Looking forward to devouring you tomorrow, I ♥ you.

-Mark

Tagged: open letter